Ca$$ie

I'm actually impressed with my skills as a hairdresser. I'm proud of myself after I see my work. It makes me feel good to make such amazing transformations. With just a few highlights someone can look like a totally different person. And it makes me feel good to see people feel better about themselves after they leave the salon.

I did my free expression model today. And it's beautiful. The color formulation was absolutely perfect and I am so happy with it. I have the cutest model too. And we shave part of her head. It's undercut so the rest of her hair falls over it only showing a little bit of the shaved part. It's awesome. I really am impressed with myself. And she had a shit load of black on her hair and I made her like a level 8 all over before I applied the rest of the color.

I'm happy with it. Maybe people will stop under estimating me after they see my test out. Really only one person in particular. But whatever.

I don't know why I let her get to me so much. She's one year older than me and she acts like she's curing cancer. You're a fucking hairdresser, bitch. Simmer down. I hate when people take their jobs too seriously. Especially, if you're a fucking HAIRDRESSER. The bitch is on a power trip. I really have tried to tolerate her, and not hate her. But I can't. It's impossible to like her. She's the most fake, obnoxious bitch i've ever fucking met. I used to think she was so pretty, but her attitude makes her repulsive to me.

She was bitching about me not wanting to go up to work on my day off to do a recruiting class at conroe high. BITCH PUHLEASE. I already went up there TODAY for work related bull shit, which is my day off, my life does not revolve around Toni and Guy. I'm not getting paid to go up there and talk to them about working for us, because news flash, none of them are going to work for us anyways. They are all going to go to fucking TGF hair cutters or supercuts because they can immediately start doing hair, they don't have to go through a long, tedious training program. They get to start fucking up people's hair and we're still going to be fixing them. It just pisses me off that i'm expected to come up on my day off to do stupid bull shit like that. If I were working I would be happy to do that. But not on my day off. And especially not now that I heard her fat ass running her mouth. -end rant.

Things are going really good for me at work though. I actually even did really good on my retail goals this pay period. I think if I could make a higher percentage, I would enjoy working there. But it's so hard for chemical techs to raise percentage only because of the retail goals we have to reach. I have surpassed my services goals with ease. But I can only sell shampoo and conditioner. And in a 2 week pay period I have to sell $400 three times. It's pretty much impossible. People who have been there for 5 years are still making the same percentage as me. That's fucked up. Toni and Guy really is a fucked up company.

And also, the GUY in Toni & Guy died the other day. He had a massive heart attack. It's kinda sad. It's even shittier for him because a few weeks before he died, he sold his share of TIGI for like 4 million dollars. Sucks for him.

I'm going to hang out with Jade tomorrow. And i'm going to put a deposit down on that dog if I like him. And i'm also going to do my nana's color. I don't know what i'm going to do with myself when she moves. I've never had to live without her. Wow i'm lame.

I love Chinese crested dogs.
Maybe my boyfriend will let me buy this one.
Or even better, buy him for me.
He's perfect. Perfect mannerisms and even better the perfect price.

The breeder doesn't want him because he's one inch too tall and one inch too long for the breed standard- therefore, he's useless to them. It makes me sad. He's still expensive, but after they told me that he was useless to them because he couldn't be bred it makes me so angry at them. And it makes me want to get him out of there even more.



Maybe.
Hopefully.
:)

Looking at this weeks post secrets make me think a lot about my mom.
I could think of so much to say regarding my mom.

She's an amazing mom, I will never deny that.
But, it's sad that I feel like she's going to kill herself eventually.
She takes Ridiculous amounts of medication daily. Medication she doesn't need.
She is so messed up, she actually believes that she has pain and that she needs these drugs to go on in her every day life.

Although she's already overdosed.
Although she goes to two different doctors and gets the same medication so that she can take double the dose, and she pays one in cash and one with insurance so she can't get caught.

Shouldn't there be a list somewhere showing all of the people who have had drug problems in the past, so that they can't receive the medication they overdosed on?

Fucking quack doctors. Make me fucking sick.
They are allowing my mother and my father to kill themselves.
Just to make some money off of them.
pathetic.

I hate that i'm so mean to my mom sometimes. She really does so much for me.
But I can't help but remember everything she's put me through the last 10 years of my life.
She used to drop me off at the mall or at shows, and tell me she'd be back at the designated time. And then she wouldn't show back up. She would leave me to fend for myself, I remember one time when I couldn't get a hold of anyone until 3 AM, locked outside the Rayford road community center. And the night before my uncle Roberts accident, they were supposed to see each other. She decided to go on a drug binge instead, and was coming down the entire next day. She got the call that he was dying. I think part of her died too. She's never been the same since then. I don't know how anyone could be, after losing their best friend and brother. I admire her for taking him home with us and devoting her life to take care of him. But she always made it seem like we owed her something for doing all of that. She chose to do that. She complains how she lost two years of her life. I think she did it because she felt guilty.

I remember the night she overdosed. She came home at 2 AM. I was in high school, and the nights she wouldn't come home I would lay awake in bed praying she would make it home safely. I begged God to make her change and help her and it never happened. She came in, obviously more fucked up than usual. She couldn't even speak. I didn't get up when I heard her come in as I could hear everything that was going on in the next room. She went in their bedroom and was mumbling to my dad. She told him that she needed to go to the hospital, and he told her to call an ambulance and go back to sleep. She then leaves the bedroom and walks toward the front door, I jump out of bed to see if she's okay. She stops at the doorway when she sees me and I ask her if she's okay. She says she's fine, she just needs to leave. I let her leave. I don't know why. Everyone always asks me this. Maybe I was oblivious. Maybe I was scared. Maybe I still trusted her then to do the right thing and lead me in the right direction. Well, 2 miles from our house she apparently passed out at the wheel. And guess who came to her rescue? Of course, My uncle Robert. He would do anything for her. He would get her out of a bind if it meant risking his own life. He was a wrecker driver so he also was able to keep her ass from going to jail. She had overdosed on a toxic amount of cocaine, Vicodin, Xanax, Soma, Oxycontin, and Tylenol. Yeah, fucking Tylenol. Seriously. My uncle Robert never gave up on her. He knew the person that was there before the medication. And I used to. But I can't even remember that person anymore. He wouldn't want me to give up on her. He always believed in her. I miss him. I should try to believe in her more. But most of the time she doesn't even know what's going on. I miss my mom. Before the accident and before she was introduced to drugs. That was a woman to be admired.

And mother's day also reminds me of this.



I wonder what it would have been like.
And if I would have been happy.
I doubt it.
But still.

Mikah just had her baby.
And he is the most perfect person I have ever seen.
And she loves him so much.
You can see it in her eyes.

I wonder if I would have felt the same.
I wonder what it would have looked like.
I have a good life and I made a good decision for me.
But I can't help but think of that person that could have been.
Which one of us it would have favored more.
If it would have been like me. Or like Ross.

I think my mind blocks out the bad things that happen.
So I can move on and have a bad ass life.
But I will never forget that day.
Or the proceeding weeks.

Or how my body tortured me for weeks because tissue was still left in my uterus and I had no idea. I thought it was normal.I could have died from it. And I had to have an immediate D&C.
And the sound of the death machine, and how they showed me the ultra sound and told me how old the baby was. And the look on my moms face. And the tears I had to fight back because I knew it was the right thing to do. But it felt so horrible and so wrong.

I've learned from my mistakes.
Forgetting isn't the hard part.
It's forgiving myself that takes so much energy out of me.

Wow I'm really pathetic.
No wonder why I stopped writing in this thing.
I complain too much.

Honestly, the only time I feel content is when I am in zombie mode.
Either on my Adderall or smoking marijuana until I can't swallow anymore.

I've been taking my Adderall again everyday. Lost 10 pounds already.
It's a love/hate relationship. It makes me starve myself, because i'm not ever hungry.
And when I am, it only allows me to eat 3 or 4 bites before I feel like i'll get sick if I eat another bite.

It's a good think i'm taking so many vitamins.
Because this Dr.Pepper and barely any food diet can't be good for my health.

I'm moving out of my apartment complex when my lease is up.
Th construction over here is ridiculous!

Toni and Guy test out is May 31st.
So fucking happy. Finally get a fucking raise and level change.
I still need a photographer and a make-up artist though.
And I have so much fucking work to do for it.
I can't believe I have to have fourteen models. Seriously.
It's wearing me out just thinking about it.

And I can't believe I signed up for a mini-mester of trig.
FML FML FML

I don't know how I feel about my boyfriend anymore.
It feels like we don't even live in the same house.
It makes me sad. I love him. But it's not fun being alone while we're together.

And I finally got a new car.
2010 Alien green Kia Soul.
The one with the hamster commercial.
Best car i've ever had.
It's perfect. I've never felt so comfortable driving a car.

But just when I think all of the things with my car accident are behind me,
I'm informed that for me to be able to get insurance for my car I must pay a 600-1000$ down payment and 500$ a month for the shittiest insurance coverage possible.

It still haunts me. Like the widow stalking me to this day isn't bad enough.
I'm so angry about my car accident situation. I wish other people could understand how shitty I feel about it. I can't go a single day without thinking about it. Every time I get into the car, Every time I see a car I get flashblacks. I start hyperventilating whenever a motorcycle drives by and it just sucks. It's like I can't even help it. Like it's programmed into my brain so that I can never move on with my life.

On another note, I realized that the greatest pleasure I get out of life is going to see my uncle Robert at his nursing home. And talking to all of the people who live in the nursing home with him. No one ever comes to see those people. It breaks my heart. They love to just talk, and I love to listen.

I miss who my uncle Robert was. But i've finally come to terms with the death of that person. I never knew how hard it would be to see someone that you feel has already died. I look at him, and I still see the same uncle Robert. But I know he doesn't know who I am. He only has about 45% of his brain tissue left. The entire back of his skull is sunken in because all of that brain tissue has died. They say if he gets pneumonia again, he'll die. It's hard for me to feel sad about that, because I know how shitty his life is, I know he would NEVER want to live like this. I knew him so well, and I wish we would have made a different decision. It was selfish of us to keep him alive on those machines. Day by day he slipped farther and farther away from us. He would never want to have other people taking care of him. He would never want to have to have his fucking ass wiped or not be able to walk or move the right side of his body. Who would? Honestly? Who would want to live a life without choices and without having input on anything? He lays in his bed and watches disney movies all day eating shitty hospital food and having to poop and piss all over himself and lay in it until someone comes in to see him because he has to wear a diaper. He deserves so much better than this life. I hate that such an amazing person has had to suffer through all of this bullshit for two years. It kills me.

I am so scared for you.
I can't even imagine how it must feel to have signed your life away.
And there's nothing anyone can do about it.

In one week you'll be gone.
Who knows if i'll ever see you again.
I don't want to think about it.
I hate your decision.
I shouldn't even care.
But I do care about you.
You were my first everything.
How could I not feel so fucked up right now?
I begged you not to join.
But your mind was already made up.
And I wonder if you regret this decision.
I wonder what's going through your head.
I'm going to miss knowing you're always there to talk to me when things get crazy.
When I get crazy.
You still know me better than I know myself.
And i'd hate to lose you after all these years.
To a war we don't even know why we're fighting.

Please come home safe from Iraq.
I know we'll all be thinking of you.